Category Archives: Humour

Ashes to ashes

Shamelessly stolen from another blog becasue it made me laugh uproariously:

The reason C is not in the Icelandic alphabet

Iceland: Dear UK here’s the ash your requested for that Icesave claim.

Britain: WTF Iceland?!? Why did you send us volcanic ash ? Our airspace has shut down.

Iceland: What? It´s what you asked for isn’t it?

Britain: NO! Cash! Cash you dyslexic fuck. CASH!

Iceland: whoops…

To the British and Dutch governments: There is no C in the Icelandic alphabet, so when you ask for Cash, all you get is Ash…”

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The good, the bad, and the fugly

This is a list best presented without any further comment:

WORLD’S WORST LOVERS:

1. Germany (too smelly)

2. England (too lazy)

3. Sweden (too quick)

4. Holland (too dominating)

5. America (too rough)

6. Greece (too lovey-dovey)

7. Wales (too selfish)

8. Scotland (too loud)

9. Turkey (too sweaty)

10. Russia (too hairy)

WORLD’S BEST LOVERS

1. Spain

2. Brazil

3. Italy

4. France

5. Ireland

6. South Africa

7. Australia

8. New Zealand

9. Denmark

10. Canada

And before you ask. It’s from a survey conducted by OnePoll.com and reported in the Telegraph.

Wordplay

While clearing out my inbox I came across this. It dates back to last year, if not before and I think it may have originated (in part at least) from the Washington Post‘s Style Invitational. I thought it was good enough to save somewhere:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

12. Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer man.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Sign of the times

I suspect this has already done the rounds of people’s inboxes, but even though I’m not religious it made me smile…

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

“Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.

“Noah!” he roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed building regulations approval. I’ve been arguing with the fire brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

“Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

“Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have tree preservation orders on them and we live in a Site Of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!

“When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

“Then the county council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I’m supposed to mire for my building team. The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

“To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked: “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

Sense of humour failure

Oh dear,

I’ve barely started exploring the “strange but true” / “wry sideways look at life” / “are people really that stupid” … genre and I’ve annoyed someone already. So I guess I’m doing something right? <g>

Athene Aquinas seems to have taken offence at the Everything you ever heard about Germans and deckchairs is true post.

“Hmm, I see you like Germans…” the resident of Munich moans. They’ve obviously got the hump.

Actually no. I don’t like Germans. But nor do I dislike Germans either (go visit Spain if you want to meet people who SERIOUSLY don’t like Germans). I’m totally neutral.

The account of the idiot who tried to get rid of the spiders with a D.I.Y flame-thrower would have been equally hilarious, whatever the nationality involved. Stupidity transcends state borders. So the fact that a German was involved is totally irrelevant.

But, like it or not, you have to accept that when it comes to sun-loungers by the pool then Germans have a certain reputation. And they can hardly complain if their behaviour reinforces the prejudice.

Was I “taking the Michael” for pointing this out? A note for the linguistically challenged… If you don’t understand “taking the Michael” then go ask a friendly local Oirish-man. And assuming that he doesn’t come from there in the first place, he can probably tell you some cracking tales about how stupid the folk are in Kerry. Other people’s idiocy is a lingua franca after all.

So is this stereotyping? Only if you are so politically correct you really shouldn’t be here in the first place. Or is it, to borrow from the Strine, “ripping the piss”? Yep, you’ve got the idea. If you haven’t managed at least a little smirk or grimace then you obviously live in Germany and are suffering an acute sense of humour failure.

And as my correspondent wrote

> “Under that same logic, Americans would then be like Michael Jackson or was it Mike Tyson?”

Had they bothered to read rather than jump to conclusions, they might have got the impression that I think there are quite a few idiot Mercuns out there too. See the Cheeseburger in Caseville post for a prime example.

And if they really think we Brits can’t laugh at ourselves they’ve obviously ignored, or missed the point of, Elspeth is right

Fear not. I promise I won’t be horrid to Germans / Americans / (insert nationality to suit) in the next post. Unless you’re from Belgium. Because it is their turn next. You know that old question about “how many famous Belgians can you name”? Most people can manage two (maybe).

I’ve got another 11 to add to the list. Though whether they’ll want to be reminded about their place in the “Hall of Fame” is moot. But mockery is the best form of humour, after all.

Watch this space.

Bad hair day

A German woman destroyed her family home as she tried to kill spiders in the garage with a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter.

Police in Zuelpich said that when the aerosol failed to kill the spiders the woman tried to burn them with the lighter. But this set the area she had just sprayed on fire and the blaze spread to a hedge. “She tried to put the fire out with a garden hose, but couldn’t,” the police said.

“Instead, her semi-detached house next to the hedge caught fire. It’s now uninhabitable. The family have had to look for somewhere else to stay. The spiders are gone though; that problem was solved.”

So there I was

Browsing a blog, as you do. And that led me on to another blog. Where the author said they had recently been here.

Since, up until then, the writer had had some interesting things to say, I thought I’d take a peek at the site.

OMG. I don’t think another blogger has gone downhill in my estimation quite so quickly. Now I know that Mercuns are a bit strange at the best of time. And there really isn’t much to do in Little Town, Hicksville. And I suppose it’s not quite as scary as my previous Sad Site Of The Day but even so…

They cannot be serious, as J McEnroe used to say. A “Plunger Lunger” competition?! With prizes donated by the local hardware store??!! AND an “Uuug-lee Hawaiian Shirt Contest???!!!

And the really scary thing is that more than 130,000 people went to last year’s event. The fact that they have a “Parade of Fools” event does seem rather apt.